Friday, February 24, 2012


Oh, Newt. Funny, foolish, Newt. Funny, delusional, psychopathic Newt. How do you possibly think you will ever get the presidential nomination? Because we women have looooong memories.

Let’s jog your memory, Newt Gingrich. You dropped in to see wife #1 in the hospital while she was recovering from cancer surgery. To discuss a divorce. Now, Newt has vigorously denied this, but why let the facts ruin a good story?

Meanwhile, Newt was kanoodling with a congressional aide, Marianne Ginther, who became wife #2. Unfortunately, she very thoughtlessly developed multiple sclerosis. Wives can be such bitches.

Subsequently, Newt began kanoodling with Callista Bisek, another congressional aide, she of the blonde helmet hair hairdo. Newt suggested an open marriage to wife #2. (“Hey! It’ll be fun! Meet new people!”)

Wife #2 wisely declined.

After dumping wife #2, Newt married Helmet Head, thus winning the year’s John Edwards Award for Excellence in Douche-Baggery. There are rumors of threesomes and swinging, but my fact-checker is in rehab, so we will just have to go on gossip and innuendo. Plus, the visuals are just so disturbing.

Yes, women have long memories. We can remember both real and imagined slights from grade school on. We can let an alleged insult stew and fester over years, only to be regurgitated and masticated intermittently, not unlike a cow chewing her cud. These memories need to be processed regularly, to keep them fresh! And to feed revenge fantasies. And if we can process them again with our girlfriends, the experience becomes even more delightful.

So, we remember you dumping wife #1 with cancer, dumping wife #2 with MS, and I’m sure that at some point, wife #3 will be discarded as her platinum blonde begins to tarnish and the plastic surgery begins to droop. Whatever the real facts are, the data shows you’re not a Nice Man to your wives. And we women remember.


vrb said...

I have always enjoyed your missives!

Ecritic said...

C'mon, Mary. You gotta give Newt some credit. He did open a revolving credit line at Tiffany's for the Lego-haired Callista. The fact that she chooses to spend that credit on boring pearls just reflects her lack of imagination. (And of course, you have to wonder what she sees in him? Ewwww)