Friday, March 09, 2012

THE THREAT TO ALL WOMANKIND

It’s been a hard week for womankind. We’ve been called sluts and prostitutes, our access to contraception is being questioned by old white men, and Rick Santorum would like to keep us barefoot and pregnant. What a country! It seems that the current conversation on women’s rights (or should we even have them?) has regressed to Neanderthal times. (“Ugh! Me hit you on head! What’s for dinner?”)

However, the most alarming, frightening, insidious threat to womankind is not even publicly recognized. That which confines us, which limits our activities, which hampers our very movement and joy of life. Yes, ladies, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

Spanx.

For the uninitiated, Spanx are the latest reiteration of the girdle of the 1950’s. Also known as “shapewear” (a term obviously coined by marketing majors), Spanx are a torture device for women which consists of stretchy underwear which extends down the thighs and often up past the waist, all in the line of duty, smoothing those unrepenting fat rolls which love to gather about the midsection of many females.

 The Spanx web site advertises “Tummy-taming”, “Thigh-trimming”, and “Butt boosting” Body Shapers, in order to convince the rest of the world that the wearer has the body of a 20 year old, despite having been around the block a few times. I’m amazed that the Spanx people haven’t devised a Shaper yet that just pulls all the way up past the chin to cover the mouth, in order to control those female outbursts demanding contraception. It could be advertised as “Rushwear!”

 “Sluts! Prostitutes! Try Rush Limbaugh’s new line of shapewear, for the woman who just can’t keep her mouth shut! Control your fat, control your mouth! Ask for Rushwear at your lingerie counter!”

I personally hate Spanx. The obvious comparison is that of a sausage stuffed in a too-small casing. And besides being uncomfortable, they are a health risk. As a Medical Professional, I am here to warn you of the dangers of tight clothing.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal listed some of the many dangers:
  • Nerve compression
  •  Digestive issues
  • Lightheadedness from inability to expand the lungs enough for adequate oxygen intake
  • Painful welts where the apparel digs into the skin
All this suffering just to erase the muffin top! I say, honor the muffin top. Rejoice in that extra flesh! Celebrate that you have extra calories stored away when civilization ends as we know it (or, as Republicans would infer, if Obama gets elected again). Just as in baking, where the top of the muffin is often the good stuff, so should we consider our muffin tops the good stuff, and stop trying to conceal them in latex and spandex. 

And you male readers, you’re not off the hook. Look! There is shapewear for men! Amusingly called “Manx” , they are designed to “eliminate bulk under clothes”. A nice way of saying, Yeah, fatso, we’re talkin’ to you.

There is a bright side to the shapewear threat, however. Used as a contraceptive, Spanx/Manx can handily prevent conception, as the mood will have passed and the Barry White tape be over by the time the shapewear is removed. And Rick Santorum can breathe a sign of relief.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my gawd, Mary! What is in that picture? A penis? And by the way, what IS for dinner?

hotflash said...

It's sausage meat being stuffed into a sausage casing. You have a dirty mind!

Kathy4aday said...

Spanx also sound naughty!