Welcome, everyone! Welcome to Terrorist Orientation and Training Camp!
I am Jim McCluskey, and I am here to “Soldier” you through the next few days! Get it? Soldier?
Anyhoo, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am the president and owner of McCluskey Human Resources Consulting out of Des Moines, Iowa, and this awesome terrorist group found me on the internet and flew me over here to oversee the program. And hey, a nice shout-out to the Peshawar Ramada Inn, who is letting us use their conference rooms FOR FREE! There must have been some crazy negotiations going on there!
So, who knew Pakistan was so awesome! I know I’m impressed, and my bodyguards have been super nice to me! I even got to take a walk outside yesterday! Thanks, Mustafa! Love you guys!
So, where are y’all from? Yemen? Okay, let’s have a big round of applause for Yemen? Any Somalians here? Oh, yeah, you got a bunch here! I see there’s a contingent from Boko Harum. Nice outfits, guys! Colorado? You’re from Colorado? Wow, a big round of applause! By the way, your parents are SUPER PISSED that you two snuck out, you were supposed to be at the mall!
And I see a few ladies here. Unfortunately, ladies, you will have to go to the female-only orientation, we don’t want you distracting the men by enflaming their loins with passion. Just exit through that door, where you will be assigned a burqua and a husband. But don’t feel bad! We need you to produce all the little jihadists you can!
Alright now, let’s do some housekeeping.
First of all, we need to assign your parking passes. Tanks have to park in parking lot C. Yeah, I know, it’s a long walk, but it will keep you in shape to fight the infidels! All livestock must be registered or will be eaten. And don’t forget about the bathhouse. We’re going to be cooped up in conference rooms all week, so a little soap will go a long way!
Now, does everybody have their information form and a number 2 pencil? That’s great!
First, fill in your real name, and then on the second line, you can fill out your new freedom fighter name.
Next, you will see where you can request assignments. Please mark them from 1 to 5, in order of preference. So, for example, if you really want to be an ammo clerk, mark that with a “one”. We are in special need of suicide bombers, so if you are into that, please request it! We seem to be running out of them.
And speaking of suicide bombers, remember! There’s 75 virgins waiting for you up there in the afterlife! Or 77. Or something. Anyway, you’ll have a heckuva good time! And don’t forget, tonight the piano player in the Peshawar Lounge will be doing a special medley of old standards for you potential suicide bombers, including such hits as “I’m in Heaven” and “Fly Me to The Moon”.
When you are done, please hand in your forms, because it’s time for lunch! Everyone move to conference room 3, the “Death to America” room. I hear goat is on the menu! Chow down!
And remember, throughout the week, the most important thing is: Have Fun!